Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Are You There God, It's Me, Emily

Dear God,

I've just been thinking about a few things lately. If you don't mind, I would like to present them to you in list form so that I can be efficient with your time since I know you are so busy.

1. 2012. I really don't appreciate all the specials on the History Channel about the end of the world happening in 2012. Do you realize that with that time frame, we'll all be dead in the next three years? I think it would be best if you A) Create new material to set these theories wrong or B) Smite those who have generated such falsities . Thanks.

2. The End. When we read in Revelations that there is going to be a mighty battle, does this mean that I am going to have to pick up a sword and fight? If it does, I will because I think You are rad. But, I'd like to start honing in on my sword skills so that I don't embarrass myself or You. Please let me know.

3. Heaven. In the Good ol' Book it says that Jesu is going to come back and reign here on earth for thousands of years. I just want you to know that this kind of upsets me. Not because I don't want Jesu to come back, heck- He could sleep on my couch if he wants, but I've spent enough time here that I was kinda hoping for a little change of scenery with the whole Heaven thing. Could we maybe negotiate on this?

4. Buick. Is there a reason why I got stuck with another Brown Buick this week? And, why does it have to smell like smoke and urine? Wasn't it punishment enough last week?

5. Rain. It hasn't really stopped raining for a few days and I just wanted to remind you that we had a flood here last summer that was partially due to large amounts of Spring rain. So, if you could put a hold on the water works for a while, my leather shoes and I would appreciate it.

6. Cookies. Why do Girl Scout Cookies have such a high fat content? I am deeply hurt.

7. I don't really have a seventh question but I did not want to end on six because that is your enemy's number and I don't want to rub it in. You're Welcome.

I think that is it for now. I appreciate you time with these questions. I can be reached with answers via a "Comment" post or direct e-mail. If all you can find are stone tablets to answer on, they will be accepted as well.

Hope the family is doing well,

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